Top 5 Places We’d rather live than Long Island, NY

Since all of us hail from Upstate NY, and have had to put up with years of annoying people from Long Island at our bars and dorms during the academic year, we hold a tainted view of Long Island in general. We understand that there are exceptions, since we all have good friends from the ugly island, but even they agree with us about the annoyingness of most Long Islanders.

1. Hiroshima, Japan on August 6, 1945.

Scary isn’t it? We’d rather live in a place, on the day where one of the most horrifying acts of war took place than live in Long Island. Hiroshima was a tragedy, and it has since been rebuilt and is thriving, whereas the Long Island Expressway is a tragedy every single day of the year with no hopes of improving.

2. Chernobyl, Russia (now Ukraine) - April 26, 1986

Another nuclear disaster you say? Well, at least no one lives there anymore and you don’t have to deal with your neighbors in suburbia pampering their kids and grooming them into self-righteous idiots.

3. The Summit of Mount St. Helens, Washington - May 18, 1980.

Breathing in volcanic ash is much more appealing to me than the mixture of garbage/exhaust/salt water air that surrounds you in Long Island. And the molten lava? Well, it will kill you on contact, but so will most of the public restrooms in Smithtown.

4. Jurassic Park

We think it is much easier to avoid dinosaurs that would eat you than this guy at a bar in Long Island:

Plus, you could hang out with Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Samuel L. Jackson, and Newman from Seinfeld all day. They are really smart scientists and probably have lots of money to buy you drinks at a local dive.

5. Camp Crystal Lake, USA

Being stalked by a mass murderer who could kill you at any moment seems much better to us than trying to decipher what someone from Long Island is trying to tell you with their thick accent. I don’t know how many arguments I have had with people from Long Island about “Mary, Merry, and Married”. I don’t care if they are spelled differently, they are HOMONYMS, and therefore are pronounced the same!

H.M. – Literally Anywhere Else – Pick a city, island, swamp, town, hamlet, penninsula, motor home, center of a tornado, 15-hour flight to Japan in the center seat with two obese people on either side and a row of babys crying in front of you with pre-teens behind you listening to music too loud and kicking your seat, or village, and we will choose that over the monstrosity that is Long Island.

- The Board of Hi Five (our first truly collaborative effort).

~ by thekillertouch on March 12, 2009.